My In-Laws Part II

Some of the actors from the show wanted to know just how closely the characters in Indecent Proposals that are based upon my in-laws resemble them. Apparently, they feel that the characters are just too “over-the-top.”

Therefore, I have decided to present some of the high-lights from my real-life experiences with my in-laws so that you (and the actors) will know that the characters in the play are pretty darn realistic.

In no particular order…

·         The first time I met my in-laws, within the first five minutes of our visit, my wife’s brother came running into the room, and with absolutely no introduction to me, or a single word to anyone for that matter, he ran up to my father-in-law, wound up and slapped him in the face harder than I’ve ever seen one human slap another. My father in-law stood up, grappled with my brother-in-law then picked him up and threw him into a china cabinet. Once he regained consciousness, they all had a good laugh about it.

·         After we had been dating for about a year, my wife’s family went to Italy for several weeks. Upon their return, we went to visit them. My mother-in-law presented me with a small box wrapped with a beautiful ribbon – a gift she had purchased for me while in Italy. Inside was a gold chain with a beautiful and ornate gold cross. The problem is I’m Jewish (of which she was well aware). When I “reminded” her of this, her response was “So? Everyone wears a cross.” When I told her I couldn’t accept it, I was dead to her for almost 6 weeks.

·         After my wife and I moved in together, my father-in-law asked me to go on a walk with him. Once we were outside, he asked me if I planned to marry his daughter. When I told him that we hadn’t talked about that yet, he put his arm around my neck, wrenched me forward, and whispered “I think that would be the best solution.”

·         About a month after my wife and I moved in together, my mother-in-law asked me where I slept. After I told her the bedroom, she then asked me where her daughter slept, to which I again replied, “The bedroom.” At that point, she burst into tears and began sobbing and cursing in Italian. After about a half-hour, in which she worked herself up into a hyperventilating fit, she locked herself in our bedroom and refused to leave until I agreed to swear on the bible that I would sleep on the couch. When she learned we didn’t have a bible, she called her sister-in-law who apparently has an extensive bible collection. The sister-in-law came right over and the four of us performed some sort of voo-doo ceremony in which I agreed to give up my soul should I not sleep on the couch. 

·         My wife’s mother was adamant that we name our daughter after her. Except the thing is, her first name is Ledoina – which is pronounced pretty much as “little ween-ah.” Now, as a junior high school teacher, I know what kids would do to a child with a name like that, and I promise you, it’s not pretty. Two years ago, there was a boy named Lindsay at the school where I teach. I think he changed his name to Rocco. There’s no doubt in my mind that some day we’ll be reading about him in the newspapers. When I said no to my mother-in-law, I was again dead to her for almost two months.

·         At my wife’s birthday, my father in-law couldn’t be bothered to get candles for the cake. Instead, he rolled up a newspaper and lit it on the gas range. As he was walking to the table while holding the newspaper- torch away from his body, he walked past my wife and lit her head on fire. In order to put the fire out, my mother-in-law threw handfuls of flour at my wife’s head, sending her into a fit of sneezing and covering everyone at the table in a smoky white powder. My wife’s shoulder length tresses need to be trimmed to a military-style buzz cut.

·         On our wedding night, my mother-in-law insisted we step outside for a toast. She poured me a special drink that she made herself. Being the idiot that I am, I swallowed an enormous gulp prior to asking what was in the drink. After the gulp, which tasted absolutely hideous, my mother-in-law told me I had just drunk some sort of horrible old-world love potion that was designed to help us conceive, the ingredients of which are far too horrific to share in this forum, but are far more repugnant than anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you can ever imagine.  EVER!  I’m talking worse than the most awful incidence of college-fraternity related hazing. I’m talking honest to goodness Brothers Grimm, deep-woods, ritualistic alchemy, ingredients so disgusting they’d make you want to gargle with bleach and holy water, so awful in fact, that I have never revealed to anyone outside my wife that I have ingested them. And the worst thing about it, the potion didn’t even come close to working.

So yes, the characters are definitely over-the-top, but I have to say, as over the top as they may be, they're pretty close to the real thing.

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